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Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what the weather will be. I wonder if I’ll be able to maintain my patience while traveling on the Subway every evening with a bunch of people who seem more like starving hyenas. Then there’s those times my moments of wonder translate into a deeper level of consciousness and I begin to ask myself what’s next in my life, why is the world so substandard, am I a good spouse, am I a good person, will I make a difference in someone’s life? Once my wheels start spinning, it can be a distant journey.
To where exactly? That’s the answer I’m usually seeking. It’s easy for people to look at me as this ecstatic, EverydayGay woman and think I have no problems or worries. I hear it everyday from my co-workers how laid back and calm I am. I’d like to say that’s true. However, in this reality I live in, I am that Everyday woman and I usually have a plethora of thoughts moving at the speed of an oncoming train whose brakes just went out. Yikes!
I’m not perfect and I don’t think there is a such thing as perfection unless of course you have some type of supernatural ability. I’ve come to realize it’s quite normal (although what’s normal?) to reflect. To me, it helps me to go deep within myself and sort out the internal dialogue that tends to tap dance on my mental. It also helps you to appreciate yourself as well as the people and things around you more.
Some say don’t ponder on the things you cannot control. However, I say ponder on the things you cannot control as a way of obtaining some control.